By Addie's words: My feelings are all over the place.

I don't know what to type. I don't know where to start.

Oh wait. I think I know where.

A few days ago.

The hype of eleCKTions. Everyone asking, Sino tatakbo dito? Everyone saying, Magpasa ka na ng candidacy form. Everyone making up slogans, taglines and random agendas. It was good fun and even I joined in the bandwagon. Though, I was more concerned over the fact that my term was ending but it was because I was certain who was going to succeed my post.

But of course.

He has had enough exposure with what I do. He has heard my countless rants about it. He knows my weaknesses and mistakes, the org's problems and concerns, the ins and outs of the division. It's just natural for him to be the one next in line.

Then, it happened a few days ago.

Someone appeared... I can't exactly remember where... maybe in the tambayan or ITTC. That person was a close friend of mine. Although we don't hang out and see each other that often, I feel quite comfortable with him. He even offered to transfer to my division next school year. But he suddenly changed his mind and told me...

"Ayoko sa kanya. Ayoko siyang tumakbo. Kung siya ang VP, di na ako lilipat."

I asked him why, and he said that he was starting to get cocky and assuming for someone who has yet to win the elections. And before I could ask for more details, he had already left. Of course that left me dumbfounded. I started recalling, pondering, denying, defending... I asked for another opinion. But maybe it was a wrong idea to ask her. She agreed with the guy and told me that a handful of people didn't like him as well. Of course I had a hard time believing her. It threw me off-guard. Eventually, I just managed to convince myself to bring it up with him when the time comes.

Maybe he was just being misunderstood. By the way I see it, he might come off as as brash partly because he has to make up for whatever confidence or skill I lacked as his head. Or maybe I'm just making up excuses ._.

And just yesterday...
On my birthday, of all days.

It was right after the deadline of candidacy forms. A few positions were yet to be filled: a division head post and several batch representatives. The deadline would probably be extended until Monday, they said. We were at the tambayan around lunch time. He (I'm talking about a new character) considered running as a rep for his batch. I loved how he was taking the initiative to do it. It wasn't difficult to imagine him in that position: he was likable, active and dedicated. Then... I just had to say it...

"Takbo ka kaya as VP."

He thought about it for just a bit before smiling and he said, pwede rin. I don't remember if I initially intended it to be a joke... although I suddenly recall the previous conversation...

"Kung pwede lang ako bumoto, ikaw iboboto ko."

She was also there and was encouraging him as well. She said that he had the support of their batch.

Well, maybe it was my fault I couldn't see it at once. I was biased. I completely shunned the opportunity from him just because he declined to be in that position again. He broke my heart when he told me he didn't want to be in that spot. That was several months ago.

But now, he wants in. A lot of people are vying for him.

And it could be guilt. It could be to please others. It could be just for the heck of it.

But it was selfish. Whatever reason I can concoct right now to explain why I encouraged him to run is downright self-centered. I was being unfair...

And I still let him do it.

"This should be interesting," I told myself yesterday.

And for some reason, I'm regretting it.

Sources tell me that he tends to give up once there's competition, and that he feels guilty for assuming too much and too soon, and that he didn't know that while he was out of town, another person was contemplating whether to run or not.

They chatted over Facebook a while ago. The latter kept on apologizing, but the so-called damage has been done. He said, may the best man win.

And we haven't talked about it yet... or rather, we haven't talked yet. Period. And it bothers me a lot. I don't know if he's pissed at me for allowing this to happen or if he's just waiting for me to explain.

Truth be told, I really don't know.

My mind is going topsy-turvy right now just thinking about it. I've been ranting to several people already just to release some steam. It's a good thing that they happen to know his side of the story, but I don't know if that makes me feel better or much worse.

Eventually I ended up consulting his buddy. She answered my qualms rationally and without an obvious bias. She told me everything I needed to hear, and explained all sides.

"When it comes to these things kasi,
It doesn't matter who's more experienced
Being a VP, dapat marunong ka makisama sa iba't ibang tao kasi you'd have to work for them.

[...]

Alam ko kaya ng buddy ko, but hindi natin alam ang tingin ng iba
May tendencies din kasi si buddy na magover react sa ibang bagay
Kaya din cguro alangan yung ibang tao

[...]

To be honest, yes you shouldn't be biased
Especially cause you're the current VP
I mean, this isn't really something so formal na kelangan i put aside lahat ng feelings
Pero maging fair dapat sa lahat ng candidates "

I will forever love her for that :) Thank you.

I don't want to be involved in this anymore and just let them be... but it's inevitable. You can't keep your hands off this issue. Sooner or later, you would have to explain yourself.

And I'm afraid of not having anything to say at all.

Labels: cogitations, friends, interludes, palaka, sec