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On mistaken thoughts
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Sunday, September 11, 2011
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~デンスキ♥
Maling akala is a more appropriate title for this post, but since I want to follow my format, here goes:

I thought that I was a touchy person. Well, it turns out that I'm very selective.
I thought that nobody can be more unreasonably moody than I am. But that was until I met her.
I thought that I could handle, and be even fond of, someone clingy. But that was until I met him.
I thought that no one can withstand a relationship that involves fighting every night and day. I thought I wouldn't meet anyone more magulo than my aunt and uncle. Well, I just don't know couples well enough.
I thought I would love being greeted every morning and every evening, but it turns out, it's tiring. I'm not complaining, but it seems to lose its meaning the more it's said to you.

And it's hard to get tangled up in these things. It's easy to get misunderstood and hated. It's more than I can take. And it's awkward to ignore all that is being done. And I can't say no, because I'm too weak to say it and I fear the consequences of being left alone.

And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I lack the guts to push you away. I'm sorry I appear too distant. Because I've learned that I can't easily say things that I don't mean. I can't say I miss you too, because I don't. I can't say just let it be, because I know you won't let it be. The least I can do is lie and say it's okay, even though it really isn't. Sometimes I'd rather not speak. It's not that I'm mad; it's just that I don't really feel like talking. And as painful as it sounds, sometimes, I don't really care at all. I just got tired of it all.

Maybe this is how it feels.
Maybe this is how unrequited love feels on the receiving end.

After all, that's also how it is between the two of us. The relationship between between you and me is quite similar to the relationship between me and him.

I do all the talking.
He does all the listening.
He replies just to be polite.
And I abuse his politeness.
And I know that I'm just a bother.
And I know that he's just being nice.
And it hurts, because I can't find
anyone else as easy to talk to as him.
The words just flow easily when it's him.
The feelings just flow easily when it's him.
Yet sometimes,
no, most of the time,
I have to hold back.
Because I might make things worse that it already is.

And I hate how this post just goes back to him.
I'm mistaken.
I know I have no chance with him.
Yet, I still can't bring myself to move on.
Deep down, stubbornly,
I don't want to move on.

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